Don’t Date a Girl, Date Assassin’s Creed.


I see so many of these “Date a girl who loves Biryani/Reading/Movies” Articles on the internet that now the very title annoys six different kinds of shit out of me. Sure, at one point in time it was funny and fresh but once the majority of the internet got whiff of the bloody thing, people just ran the concept into the ground. That the title pays tribute to the trend makes me somewhat of a hypocrite is a fact I’m well aware of, but at this point in time, I couldn’t care less.

Whilst reading several of these articles in my pursuit of finding the “perfect girl”, I had a moment of sheer enlightenment. Why bother dating a girl, when you can choose to commit to a relationship with Assassin’s Creed?

Anyone who’s ever picked up a controller of any sorts in the last decade or so, will have in some way or the other, heard about the Assassin’s Creed series. In fact the series got so popular, that it’s now got it’s own movie in the pipeline, starring Michael Fassbender.

For the people who have not the foggiest what the whole blooming thing is about, this should help.

I picked up Assassin’s Creed in October of 2007 and it’s been a roller coaster of a ride so far. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs with it, much like my relationships. Here’s a set of reasons why the Series is basically the equivalent of going out with a wonderfully unpredictable woman.

In fact, let’s put a woman in place of the game, for a better understanding of what I went through.

Assassin’s Creed(2007)

assassin's creed

You’ve known about this girl for days. The glimpses you’ve seen of her, have you.. intrigued. You make the first move, set the wheels in motion. Soon you realize, that she’s not perfect, that she’s far from the rosy picture you’ve painted of her. However, you notice that there’s potential. With a little bit of work, you know that this could be something beautiful. So you choose to stick by your guns and go ahead with it, in hope of a better future. This is phase is not easy.

Assassin’s Creed II(2009)


Jackpot. Your hard work and belief have paid off, massively. Your relationship with this girl is beautiful, everything you’d ever dreamed of. You’re in dreamland, oof. Perfection. Given the choice right now, you’d marry this girl. That’s how much you’re into her. She makes you the happiest person in the  world and right now, even a modern day Holocaust won’t dampen your mood in the slightest.

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood(2010)


You’ve stumbled onto a formula to keep the two of you happy, so who says more of the same’s bad? You try to tweak a few habits here and there, just to make sure it doesn’t get too monotonous but it’s more or less the same things you’ve been doing for a while now. It’s working now, and she’s loving it. So why fix it when it ain’t broken?

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations (2011)


Okay, now things are starting to get a bit jaded. You try to do something a little different this time, but clearly it’s not working. You throw in a couple of surprises that backfire massively. Now, you know you could be heading into trouble if you don’t play your cards right. But you soldier on, knowing full well that the bond you’ve built will see you through.

Assassin’s Creed III(2012)


It’s now clear that your relationship has problems. So you say, hey. let’s take it to the next level. You put together this elaborate plan of action that you believe will revive your faltering relationship. Little do you know that you’re barely papering over the cracks and that it’s all going to end in a mess that’ll leave the both of you questioning the relationship you’re in. Also say goodbye to Red Indian Fantasy Foreplay, cause it sure as hell ain’t coming back.

Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag (2013)


The last few months have been horrid. You know you need to do something drastic to keep it afloat. Both of you decide to be reckless, do things you’ve never dreamed of doing, exploring avenues you never knew existed. You open up yourself to a world that throws new things at you every twist and turn. It’s not what your honeymoon phase was, but you know that nothing will ever be. Right now, you’re just happy that you salvaged a relationship that looked set to sink to the bottom of the ocean. You’ve pulled off the impossible and the future looks a lot brighter than it has in the recent future.

Assassin’s Creed: Unity (2014)


After having given your relationship the Lazarus Treatment, you’re back on your feet, and you want to now solidify the bond. You’ve been together long enough, you might as well pop the question, cause you’re sure that she’s the one. You arrange for a wonderful evening by the sea. But you forget to go over the finer details, like the weather, the food, the ring you left back home. On that perfect day, things go horribly wrong, leaving both of you with a sense of disappointment  that’s hard to match. It’s not something you’ll break up over, but it’ll be a bitter pill to swallow considering the amount of work you put into it. Sometimes, the finer details mean much more than the bigger picture.  By now, you know that you can’t live without her, but you sure as hell know, that life won’t be easy.

And there you have it. Why Assassin’s Creed is more or less the person you’ll end marrying and spending the rest of your life with. Trust me, I’ve put myself through the entire series with a sense of dedication that will make you take me home to your momma(Just kidding, please don’t take me home to your Momma) and it’s like being in the strangest love-hate relationship. Ever.

P.S: Assassin’s Creed : Rogue is basically that really drunken night that you’d like to forget.

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